I think I agree with everything you’ve said. I admit that it’s an essentially empty story, but really, I purposely tried to be as unambitious as possible in this, my first real stab at fiction. If anything I wanted it to be readable, as in, somewhat fun for someone to rip through in one sitting.

I also admit that it’s overwritten in parts. I didn’t really cut ferociously like good fiction writers are supposed to.

I particularly like your suggestion about the ending; I’ll have to try that in my next story, whenever it comes…

Thanks again, though–really I think you exactly nailed it. If anyone ever asks what I think of this thing, I’ll point them to your comment.

Biggest problem is probably the shallowness of the total arc; it just doesn’t ramp up the tension that high because at most we’re talking about a crossword. For what it is it’s well written. Perhaps cute is a good word.

The middle is the strongest; the beginning and end could probably both benefit from some polishing. Not sure it ramps up enough at the end in terms of language. My suggestion for the end of a story like this is to get a mega long sentence in at the end where you call in references to every piece of the story, the chair, the table, the pot, the trees, the noodles, unfurling, etc. Ideally your last three sentences are mega long wrap together sentence, short sentence to bridge, then final thought/scene.

Sorry I didn’t get to this sooner.